Some women have the looks of a goddess and a body that God himself would kill his own son (again), and neglect to resurrect him, to get to. You think WOW-zer, what I wouldn't do to get her between the sheets. You'd skin your own mother to spend a night with them. But what if they have a stupid name, a name so profoundly foolish, so utterly laughable they make Bond girls' names look like the work of a satirist who'd make Peter Cook weep with shameful inadequacy.

A name so ridiculous that if you had to shout it during intercourse you would need to commit hara-kiri afterwards to maintain your family's honour.

Well these women have those names, so be aware. Or change your name to something dumb like Bartlet Angerchase or Google Filter.

You know for a while cooking, for me, got a bit mudane, a but samey, I'd used the finest ingredients from around the globe and beyond - space dust from the impact craters on Mars, flown in by NASA - scrumptious. I've had the elusive Yeti ass-truffle from the foothills of the Himalayas - delectable; ayahuasca from the Peruvian jungle, that was an interesting night, and of course the infamous yet elusive vaginal moss, only found in the outermost boglands of Scatland. Yeah you could say they were well sourced, but getting everything you want sometimes gets boring, then I discovered this recipe book.

It's revolutionised my life, my wife now licks her plate, and my balls, clean and recipes like Jerk-Off Chicken and Man-Jamburger go down as easy as a well kept mistress at every dinner party I host, and my Raviolo Of Jiz and Lobster with Spicy Creamed Cabbage With A Warm Potato & Semen Puree is a sensation!! After reading this book, my wife now often asks me to fill her meat taco with semen, she loves it!

If you don't want to believe me then just check out the comments from these satisfied and grateful cooks, who've been delighting their friends with this nectar of the gods. It's just touching...yourself. If you thought whisking cream tired your arm out, then just try whisking up some of this cream!